Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
false alarm, still single
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
