You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
