after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The best revenge is premature balding
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
