She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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