I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
