Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
