I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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