she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
