Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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