I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
