Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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