I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
