you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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