GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
