My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
