i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
