Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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