I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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