remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
