Four minutes until I can fart!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
