I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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