Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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