He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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