You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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