i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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