Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
