We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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