I have demons in me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
