I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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