my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
