we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
