Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
