I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
