I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
