This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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