So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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