She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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