It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
