We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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