So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
