my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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