i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
