So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
