I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
