Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
