just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
