god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
