i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
