Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
