you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
