But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
